Post by BloodyMonkeyZ on Aug 12, 2013 20:54:19 GMT -6
The first thing I saw on the case of this movie was "Uwe Boll Presents."
That was the most disheartening phrase I have read in quite awhile. Uwe Boll has been behind some of the worst movies made in recent decades. The only hope I had was that this was produced by him and not directed by him. What I witnessed for the next 90 minutes was a film so bad that it almost made Napolean Dynamite seem like a good movie.
The only halfway decent scene in the whole movie was the opening where the infection first spreads. That was interesting. But that level of interest ended less than 4 minutes into the movie.
The characters have names, but as terrible as they were in the movie, I could care less what their names were. Our cadre of heroes I shall call Sniper, Sword Girl, Chief and Blow Up Guy. Their "mission" was to deliver a nuke into the heart of Romania and blow up the town where the infection was. The one who sent them on the mission though is a bad guy and set it up so the nuke was wired into their car and would kill them all. So they abandon their truck and need to fight zombies.
The sniper, however, couldn't even work the bolt action on his rifle. It was painful watching him try and use his weapon to help defend his compadres who were in the thick of things. But they really had nothing to worry about, as these zombies could be killed with a shot to the arm, or chest, or belly, or by being hit in the head with a rock, or (my favorite) having an empty barrel thrown at them waist high and apparently taking them out. The fight scenes were painful to watch.
Oh yes, did I mention the scene where the one who sent them on the mission has a conference call with the "President of the US". . . The President makes a point of saying something along the lines of "You remember who I am, right? The President. Sitting here at my ranch in Texas." All this said with what I took to be a heavy Russian accent.
I almost can't even touch on every bad moment of the film, because it was 86 minutes of bad. Sword Girl may be a good actress, but in this movie, she held a katana in each hand as though they were poisonous snakes. Far from her body and with a look on her face as though she were afraid of what was in her hands. At one point they discussed their lack of ammo, she slides each blade from its sheath a bit and proudly declares "This don't need ammunition." Then she jumps out of their car, pulls a pistol and begins shooting at zombies. . . Later she gets blown up, but manages to survive that and catch up to her group who left her behind as they drove away in a car. Her super ninja skills let her run fast as a car.
The only other bit of the movie I want to throw out there is the climax. Where the only survivor of the original group, Chief, is confronting the mission leader (there are others on both sides of the equation, but who really cares.) As they are squaring off, a monster zombie comes running out from, well, from nowhere. This monster sized zombie is made from heartier stuff than the rest of the zombies in this movie world. He is shot repeatedly and barely even flinches. It isn't until he is shot by a RPG that he is killed.
I lied, there is one other part. After the movie "ends," the credits start up and we are given a scene that seems to have nothing to do with any part of this movie. A palace with a decadent swimming pool that has a harem of bare breasted women lying around doing what bare breasted women do best (Baring their breasts of course!) There is some guy with a weapon watching from outside the area. The women all suddenly jump into the pool and become infected (you can tell because they have little varicose veins popping up on their bodies. Well, their boobies anyway. They attack the guys who are helpless before the infected zombie breasts of these women. Thankfully the credits roll in earnest at this point. . . And my brain can breathe again as the movie is gloriously over.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I did watch the special features. The "Making Of" was particularly interesting really. The pair of directors begin by saying that Uwe Boll contacted them to direct this movie and they were shocked because they had no clue about making another movie, but Boll said they could do it, so they did. And then the making of talks to each actor for the movie who basically says the same thing. There was no audition for the role, they simply said if you want to do it, you are in. . . And man oh man, does that show. From the actors, they talk to the FX guys, who basically said that there were only 2 of them trying to do all the makeup, so they did a couple good makeup effects on a few zombies and then did some really lazy airbrush lines to fake it on the extras.
This review is probably all over the place, and I apologize for that. If you made it through my review, I applaud you. If you choose to go watch this movie, I withdraw my applause of you. For the first time, I find myself giving a rating and contemplating what rating could possibly be worse than the BLACK star. Perhaps there needs to be a new rating of an UWE. Or maybe a BLACK UWE. . . Hmmm that might be redundant though.
That was the most disheartening phrase I have read in quite awhile. Uwe Boll has been behind some of the worst movies made in recent decades. The only hope I had was that this was produced by him and not directed by him. What I witnessed for the next 90 minutes was a film so bad that it almost made Napolean Dynamite seem like a good movie.
The only halfway decent scene in the whole movie was the opening where the infection first spreads. That was interesting. But that level of interest ended less than 4 minutes into the movie.
The characters have names, but as terrible as they were in the movie, I could care less what their names were. Our cadre of heroes I shall call Sniper, Sword Girl, Chief and Blow Up Guy. Their "mission" was to deliver a nuke into the heart of Romania and blow up the town where the infection was. The one who sent them on the mission though is a bad guy and set it up so the nuke was wired into their car and would kill them all. So they abandon their truck and need to fight zombies.
The sniper, however, couldn't even work the bolt action on his rifle. It was painful watching him try and use his weapon to help defend his compadres who were in the thick of things. But they really had nothing to worry about, as these zombies could be killed with a shot to the arm, or chest, or belly, or by being hit in the head with a rock, or (my favorite) having an empty barrel thrown at them waist high and apparently taking them out. The fight scenes were painful to watch.
Oh yes, did I mention the scene where the one who sent them on the mission has a conference call with the "President of the US". . . The President makes a point of saying something along the lines of "You remember who I am, right? The President. Sitting here at my ranch in Texas." All this said with what I took to be a heavy Russian accent.
I almost can't even touch on every bad moment of the film, because it was 86 minutes of bad. Sword Girl may be a good actress, but in this movie, she held a katana in each hand as though they were poisonous snakes. Far from her body and with a look on her face as though she were afraid of what was in her hands. At one point they discussed their lack of ammo, she slides each blade from its sheath a bit and proudly declares "This don't need ammunition." Then she jumps out of their car, pulls a pistol and begins shooting at zombies. . . Later she gets blown up, but manages to survive that and catch up to her group who left her behind as they drove away in a car. Her super ninja skills let her run fast as a car.
The only other bit of the movie I want to throw out there is the climax. Where the only survivor of the original group, Chief, is confronting the mission leader (there are others on both sides of the equation, but who really cares.) As they are squaring off, a monster zombie comes running out from, well, from nowhere. This monster sized zombie is made from heartier stuff than the rest of the zombies in this movie world. He is shot repeatedly and barely even flinches. It isn't until he is shot by a RPG that he is killed.
I lied, there is one other part. After the movie "ends," the credits start up and we are given a scene that seems to have nothing to do with any part of this movie. A palace with a decadent swimming pool that has a harem of bare breasted women lying around doing what bare breasted women do best (Baring their breasts of course!) There is some guy with a weapon watching from outside the area. The women all suddenly jump into the pool and become infected (you can tell because they have little varicose veins popping up on their bodies. Well, their boobies anyway. They attack the guys who are helpless before the infected zombie breasts of these women. Thankfully the credits roll in earnest at this point. . . And my brain can breathe again as the movie is gloriously over.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I did watch the special features. The "Making Of" was particularly interesting really. The pair of directors begin by saying that Uwe Boll contacted them to direct this movie and they were shocked because they had no clue about making another movie, but Boll said they could do it, so they did. And then the making of talks to each actor for the movie who basically says the same thing. There was no audition for the role, they simply said if you want to do it, you are in. . . And man oh man, does that show. From the actors, they talk to the FX guys, who basically said that there were only 2 of them trying to do all the makeup, so they did a couple good makeup effects on a few zombies and then did some really lazy airbrush lines to fake it on the extras.
This review is probably all over the place, and I apologize for that. If you made it through my review, I applaud you. If you choose to go watch this movie, I withdraw my applause of you. For the first time, I find myself giving a rating and contemplating what rating could possibly be worse than the BLACK star. Perhaps there needs to be a new rating of an UWE. Or maybe a BLACK UWE. . . Hmmm that might be redundant though.
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